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Artwork detail: Liliana Porter, Man with String, 2009, string and pencil lines on paper, 12 3/4″ x 15 3/4″

Work/life residue is at all-time an elusive platonic and at worst a consummate myth, today's senior executives will tell y'all. Simply by making deliberate choices about which opportunities they'll pursue and which they'll decline, rather than simply reacting to emergencies, leaders can and do engage meaningfully with work, family unit, and community. They've discovered through hard feel that prospering in the senior ranks is a affair of carefully combining work and habitation then as not to lose themselves, their loved ones, or their foothold on success. Those who do this nigh finer involve their families in piece of work decisions and activities. They likewise vigilantly manage their ain man capital, endeavoring to give both work and home their due—over a period of years, not weeks or days.

That'south how the 21st-century concern leaders in our enquiry said they reconcile their professional and personal lives. In this article nosotros depict on five years' worth of interviews with nigh 4,000 executives worldwide, conducted by students at Harvard Business Schoolhouse, and a survey of 82 executives in an HBS leadership course.

Deliberate choices don't guarantee consummate command. Life sometimes takes over, whether it's a parent's dementia or a teenager's car accident. But many of the executives nosotros've studied—men and women akin—take sustained their momentum during such challenges while staying continued to their families. Their stories and advice reflect five main themes: defining success for yourself, managing technology, building support networks at piece of work and at home, traveling or relocating selectively, and collaborating with your partner.

Defining Success for Yourself

When you are leading a major project, yous determine early what a win should expect like. The same principle applies to leading a deliberate life: You take to define what success means to you—understanding, of course, that your definition will evolve over time.

Executives' definitions of professional and personal success run a gamut from the tactical to the conceptual (encounter the exhibit "How Leaders Define Work/Life 'Wins'"). For 1 leader, it means being home at least four nights a calendar week. For some other, information technology means understanding what's going on in the lives of family members. For a tertiary, it's near having emotional energy at both work and home.

In their definitions of professional person and personal success, executives highlight these elements:

Some intriguing gender differences emerged in our survey data: In defining professional person success, women place more than value than men do on individual accomplishment, having passion for their work, receiving respect, and making a departure, just less value on organizational achievement and ongoing learning and development. A lower pct of women than of men list fiscal achievement as an aspect of personal or professional success. Rewarding relationships are past far the most mutual element of personal success for both sexes, but men list merely having a family unit equally an indicator of success, whereas women describe what a expert family life looks like to them. Women are besides more likely to mention the importance of friends and community also as family.

The survey responses consisted of short phrases and lists, only in the interviews executives often defined personal success by telling a story or describing an ideal cocky or moment in fourth dimension. Such narratives and self-concepts serve equally motivational goalposts, helping people prioritize activities and make sense of conflicts and inconsistencies.

When work and family unit responsibilities collide, for example, men may lay claim to the cultural narrative of the good provider. Several male executives who admitted to spending inadequate time with their families consider absence an acceptable cost for providing their children with opportunities they themselves never had. One of these men, poor during his childhood, said that his financial success both protects his children and validates his parents' struggles. Another even put a positive spin on the breakdown of his family: "Looking back, I would have still made a similar determination to focus on work, equally I was able to provide for my family and become a leader in my surface area, and these things were important to me. At present I focus on my kids' didactics…and spend a lot more time with them over weekends."

Fifty-fifty the men who pride themselves on having accomplished some degree of balance betwixt piece of work and other realms of their lives measure themselves against a traditional male platonic. "The x minutes I give my kids at night is 1 million times greater than spending that x minutes at work," 1 interviewee said. It'southward hard to imagine a woman congratulating herself for spending 10 minutes a 24-hour interval with her children, but a homo may consider the same behavior exemplary.

Indeed, women rarely view themselves every bit working for their families the way men do. Men however think of their family unit responsibilities in terms of breadwinning, whereas women oftentimes see theirs equally role modeling for their children. Women emphasize (far more than men do) how of import it is for their kids—particularly their daughters—to see them every bit competent professionals. One said, "I call up that work is such a big part of who I am. I desire my kids to understand what I do. I am a whole being."

Many women said that the nearly difficult aspect of managing work and family is contending with cultural expectations about mothering. One admitted that she stopped working at home after her daughter referred to the Bloomberg network as "Mommy'due south channel." Another commented, "When you are paid well, y'all can get all the [practical] help you demand. What is the most difficult thing, though—what I see my women friends leave their careers for—is the real emotional guilt of not spending enough time with their children. The guilt of missing out."

Both men and women expressed versions of this guilt and associated personal success with not having regrets. They often cope by assigning special significance to a particular metric, such equally never missing a Little League game or checking in once a day no affair what. "I just prioritize dinner with my family as if it was a vi PM meeting with my nigh of import client," said one interviewee. Another offered this suggestion: "Design your house right—have a table in the kitchen where your kids can practice homework while your married man cooks and you potable a glass of red wine." Though expressed as communication, this is clearly her very personal, concrete image of what success at domicile looks like.

Managing Technology

Nearly all the interviewees talked about how disquisitional it is to corral their e-mails, text messages, vox mails, and other communications. Deciding when, where, and how to exist accessible for work is an ongoing challenge, especially for executives with families. Many of them cautioned against using communications technology to exist in two places at one time, insisting on the value of undivided attending. "When I'm at home, I really am at dwelling house," said one. "I forcefulness myself to non check my e-mail, take calls, et cetera. I want to give my kids 100% of my attending. Simply this besides works the other fashion effectually, because when I'm at work I really want to focus on work. I believe that mixing these spheres too much leads to confusion and mistakes."

That last point is a common concern: Always being plugged in tin can erode operation. One leader observed that "sure cerebral processes happen when you pace away from the frenetic responding to e-mails." (The history of science, later all, is marked by insights that occurred not in the laboratory but while the scientist was engaged in a mundane task—or fifty-fifty asleep.) Another executive pointed out that 24-hour availability tin really hamper initiative in an organization: "If you have weak people who must ask your advice all the time, y'all experience important. But there is a departure betwixt beingness truly important and just not letting anyone effectually you do anything without you."

Strikingly, some people at the top are starting to use communications technology less oftentimes while they're working. Several invoked the proverb "You lot tin't raise a kid past telephone"—and pointed out that it's non the best style to manage a squad, either. Often, if it's logistically possible, yous're amend off communicating in person. How do you know when that's the case? One interviewee made an important distinction betwixt broadcasting information and exchanging and analyzing ideas: "Speaking [on the telephone] is easy, but careful, thoughtful listening becomes very challenging. For the most of import conversations, I see a real trend moving back to face-to-face. When you're evaluating multibillion-dollar deals…you have to build a bridge to the people."

Deciding when, where, and how to be accessible for work is an ongoing challenge, particularly for executives with families.

When it comes to applied science in the home, more a third of the surveyed executives view it as an invader, and near a quarter see it equally a liberator. (The rest are neutral or have mixed feelings.) Some of them resent the smartphone'southward infringement on family unit time: "When your phone buzzes," one ruefully noted, it's difficult to "continue your eyes on that soccer field." Others appreciate the flexibility that technology affords them: "I will probably leave here effectually iv PM to wrangle my kids," said i participant, "but I will be back and locked into my network and e-mails by eight PM." Another participant reported, "Sometimes my kids give me a hard time about existence on my BlackBerry at the dinner table, but I tell them that my BlackBerry is what enables me to be dwelling house with them."

Both camps—those who hate being plugged in and those who love it—acknowledged that executives must learn to manage communications technology wisely. Overall, they view it equally a skillful servant just a bad master. Their advice in this area is quite consequent: Make yourself bachelor but not too available to your squad; be honest with yourself virtually how much you can multitask; build relationships and trust through face fourth dimension; and continue your in-box nether control.

Building Support Networks

Beyond the board, senior executives insisted that managing family and professional person life requires a stiff network of behind-the-scenes supporters. Absent-minded a primary caregiver who stays at home, they see paid help or assistance from extended family as a necessity. The women in our sample are adamant about this. One said, "We hire people to exercise the more tactical things—groceries, cooking, helping the children dress—so that we tin be at that place for the most important things." Even interviewees without children said they needed support at home when they became responsible for aging parents or suffered their ain health problems.

Emotional support is equally essential. Like anyone else, executives occasionally need to vent when they're dealing with something crazy or irritating at work, and friends and family are a safer audience than colleagues. Sometimes leaders also plough to their personal networks for a fresh perspective on a problem or a decision, because members of their teams don't always have the distance to exist objective.

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Back up at work matters besides. Trusted colleagues serve as valuable sounding boards. And many leaders reported that wellness crises—their own or family members'—might have derailed their careers if not for compassionate bosses and coworkers. The unexpected can waylay even the most carefully planned career.

"When y'all're immature, you think yous can control everything," one interviewee said, "just you can't." Executives told stories about heart attacks, cancer, and parents in need of intendance. 1 talked about a psychotic reaction to medication. In those situations, mentors and team members helped leaders weather difficult times and eventually return to business organisation as usual.

What nearly mixing personal and professional person networks, since executives must draw on both anyway? That'due south upwards for discussion. The men we surveyed tend to prefer separate networks, and the women are pretty evenly carve up. Interviewees who favor integration said it's a relief to be "the same person" in all contexts and natural to form friendships at piece of work, where they spend most of their time. Those who separate their piece of work lives from their private lives take many reasons for doing so. Some seek novelty and a counterbalance to work. "If all of your socializing centers effectually your piece of work life, yous tend to experience an ever-decreasing circumvolve of influence and ideas," i pointed out. Others want to protect their personal relationships from the churn of the workplace.

Many women keep their networks separate for fear of harming their epitome. Some never mention their families at work because they don't want to announced unprofessional. A few female executives won't hash out their careers—or fifty-fifty mention that they have jobs—in conversations outside work. But once more, non all women reported such conflict between their professional and personal "selves," and several suggested that the tide is turning. Ane pointed out, "The more women have come into the workplace, the more I talk virtually my children."

Traveling or Relocating Selectively

Discussions most piece of work/life balance ordinarily focus on managing time. Only it's also critical to manage your location—and, more broadly, your function in the global economy. When leaders decide whether to travel or relocate (internationally or domestically), their domicile lives play a huge part. That's why many of them believe in acquiring global experience and racking up travel miles while they're young and unencumbered. Of those surveyed, 32% said they had turned down an international assignment because they did not want to relocate their families, and 28% said they had done so to protect their marriages.

Many leaders believe in acquiring global experience and racking up travel miles while they're young and unencumbered.

Several executives told stories well-nigh getting sidetracked or batty in their careers because a partner or spouse needed to relocate. Of course, travel becomes even trickier with children. Many women reported cutting back on business organisation trips after having children, and several executives of both sexes said they had refused to relocate when their children were adolescents. "When children are very young, they are more than mobile," one explained. "Simply once they are 12 or 13, they desire to be in one place."

Female executives are less likely than men to be offered or accept international assignments, in role because of family responsibilities just also because of the restrictive gender roles in sure cultures or perceptions that they are unwilling to relocate. Our survey results—from a well-traveled sample—jibe with student interviewers' qualitative findings. Almost none of the men surveyed (less than 1%, compared with 13% of the women) had turned down an international assignment because of cultural concerns. But for female executives, not all travel is created equal: Gender norms, employment laws, health-care access, and views on work/life balance vary from country to country. Ane American adult female said it requires extra effort in Europe to make sure she doesn't "come off every bit being intimidating," a concern she attributes in part to being tall. Another woman said that in the Middle East she has had to bring male colleagues to meetings to prove her credibility.

Though women in particular take such difficulties, international assignments are not easy for anyone, and they may but not be worth it for many executives. Members of both sexes accept congenital gratifying careers while grounding themselves in a detail land or even metropolis. However, if travel is undesirable, ambitious immature executives should decide then early on. That fashion they tin avoid getting trapped in an industry that doesn't mesh with their geographic preferences and give themselves fourth dimension to notice ways other than travel to signal open-mindedness, sophistication, skill variety, and willingness to go above and beyond. (Several executives noted that international experience is frequently viewed as a sign of those personal attributes.) "International experience can be helpful," one executive observed, "but it's just as of import to accept had exposure across the business lines. Both permit you to understand that not everybody thinks every bit you do." Some executives even question the future of globe-hopping, noting that carbon costs, fuel costs, and security concerns may tighten future travel budgets.

Collaborating with Your Partner

Managing yourself, technology, networks, travel—information technology'due south a tall order. Leaders with strong family lives spoke over again and once more of needing a shared vision of success for everyone at home—not just for themselves. Most of the executives in our sample have partners or spouses, and common goals concord those couples together. Their relationships offer both partners opportunities—for uninterrupted (or less interrupted) work, for adventurous travel, for intensive parenting, for political or customs impact—that they might non otherwise have had.

Since 2008 more than than 600 students in Harvard Concern School's second-yr Managing Homo Capital form have interviewed three,850 C-suite executives and leaders (of whom 655 were CEOs, presidents, or board members) at companies and nonprofits effectually the world.

The goal? To gain greater insight into how today'southward pinnacle leaders brand choices in their professional and personal lives. This projection has been a truthful partnership between the students and the executives. Everyone involved wanted to deeply explore what it means for leaders to manage their human capital in the 21st century—and more than specifically, in the wake of the recent global recession.

The executives were a various group (44% female person, 56% male) and represented a wide range of industries, including finance, retail, energy, health care, and technology. They came from 51 countries, and 45% of them had worked in countries other than the United states.

The interviews were semistructured: Every bit long as students related their questions to topics covered in Managing Human Upper-case letter, they were immune considerable elbowroom in what to enquire and how far to go in following upwards on responses. That style they could dig into the issues they institute most compelling.

To supplement the interviews, we surveyed 82 senior executives who were attending a 2012 leadership course at HBS. We asked them about their experiences managing their careers and families. The sample consisted of 58 men and 24 women from 33 countries in Africa, Europe, Asia, the Middle East, and Northward and Due south America. Statistics in the article come from the survey data, and quotations come up from the field data.

Leaders also emphasized the importance of complementary relationships. Many said how much they value their partners' emotional intelligence, task focus, large-picture thinking, detail orientation—in short, whatever cognitive or behavioral skills balance out their own tendencies. And many of those we surveyed consider emotional support the biggest contribution their partners accept fabricated to their careers. Both men and women often mentioned that their partners believe in them or accept urged them to take business risks or pursue job opportunities that were non immediately rewarding but led to longer-term satisfaction. They also await to their partners to be sounding boards and honest critics. One executive said that her partner asks "probing questions to challenge my thinking and so I can be better prepared for an opposing viewpoint."

Executives say that their partners and spouses share their vision of success, bring complementary skills, and provide the post-obit types of support:

A partner's support may come up in many forms, but what it well-nigh always boils down to is making certain the executive manages his or her own human capital finer. The pressures and demands on executives are intense, multidirectional, and unceasing. Partners can help them go along their eyes on what matters, upkeep their fourth dimension and energy, live healthfully, and brand deliberate choices—sometimes tough ones—nigh piece of work, travel, household management, and community involvement.

Men, nonetheless, appear to be getting more spousal back up overall. Male interviewees—many of whom have stay-calm wives—often spoke of their spouses' willingness to accept care of children, tolerate long work hours, and fifty-fifty relocate, sometimes equally a way of life. But mostly, they no longer seem to expect the archetype 1950s "corporate wife," who hosted dinners for the boss and cocktail parties for clients. (Exceptions exist in some countries and industries. One male executive who works in oil fields said, "When you are living and working in those camp environments, it is indispensable to accept your married woman talk with other spouses.") Men frequently noted that their partners won't allow them to fail their families, health, or social lives. For example: "My married woman is militant about family dinner, and I am home every night for dinner even if I take to work afterward."

Women, past contrast, slightly more often mentioned their partners' willingness to free them from traditional roles at home. I explained, in a typical comment, "He understands the demands of my office and does non put pressure on me when work takes more than time than I would like." In other words, male person executives tend to praise their partners for making positive contributions to their careers, whereas women praise theirs for non interfering.

When we wait at the survey data, nosotros encounter other hitting differences betwixt the sexes. Fully 88% of the men are married, compared with lxx% of the women. And 60% of the men have spouses who don't work total-time outside the habitation, compared with but 10% of the women. The men take an average of 2.22 children; the women, 1.67.

What Tomorrow'south Leaders Recall

The fact that the interviewees all agreed to have time from their hectic schedules to share their insights with students might introduce a pick upshot. Busy leaders who choose to assistance students presumably value interpersonal relationships. Because they're inclined to reflect on work and life, they're probably also making deliberate choices in both realms—and they certainly have plenty coin to pay for support at habitation. All that may explicate why many interviewees reported beingness basically happy despite their struggles and why few mentioned serious impairment to their marriages or families due to career pressures. This sample is an aristocracy grouping of people better positioned than most to achieve piece of work/life balance. That they nevertheless consider it an impossible job suggests a sobering reality for the residual of us.

Our educatee interviewers say, nearly universally, that the leaders they spoke with dispensed valuable advice about how to maintain both a career and a family. One interviewer reported, "All acknowledged making sacrifices and concessions at times but emphasized the important role that supportive spouses and families played." Still, many students are alarmed at how much leaders sacrifice at abode and how little headway the business earth has fabricated in adapting to families' needs.

Executives of both sexes consider the tension between piece of work and family to exist primarily a women'southward problem.

Male executives admitted that they don't prioritize their families enough. And women are more probable than men to have forgone kids or marriage to avoid the pressures of combining piece of work and family. One said, "Because I'm not a mother, I haven't experienced the major commuter of inequality: having children." She added, "People assume that if you don't have kids, so y'all either can't have kids or else you lot're a hard-driving bowwow. So I oasis't had any negative career repercussions, just I've probably been judged personally."

Executives of both sexes consider the tension between work and family to be primarily a women'due south trouble, and the students detect that discouraging. "Given that leadership positions in corporations around the globe are still dominated by men," one explained, "I fear that information technology will accept many organizations much longer than it should to brand accommodations for women to…finer manage their careers and personal lives."

Students also resist leaders' commonly held belief that you tin can't compete in the global marketplace while leading a "balanced" life. When one executive argued that it's incommunicable to have "a dandy family life, hobbies, and an amazing career" all at the same time, the student interviewing him initially thought, "That's his perspective." But after more than conversations with leaders? "Every single executive confirmed this view in one way or another, and I came to believe that information technology is the reality of today's business world." Information technology remains to be seen whether, and how, that reality can be changed for tomorrow.We can't predict what the workplace or the family will expect like later in this century, or how the ii institutions will coexist. Simply nosotros tin can assert three simple truths:

Life happens.

Even the most dedicated executive may suddenly have his or her priorities upended by a personal crisis—a heart assail, for instance, or a death in the family. Equally one pointed out, people tend to ignore work/life balance until "something is wrong." Merely that kind of disregard is a option, and not a wise one. Since when do smart executives presume that everything volition work out simply fine? If that approach makes no sense in the boardroom or on the factory floor, it makes no sense in one's personal life.

In that location are multiple routes to success.

Some people plan their careers in particular; others grab whatsoever opportunity presents itself. Some stick with one company, edifice political capital and a deep knowledge of the organization'due south culture and resources; others change employers often, relying on external contacts and a fresh perspective to accomplish success. Similarly, at home unlike solutions work for different individuals and families. Some executives accept a stay-at-home partner; others make trade-offs to enable both partners to work. The questions of child intendance, international postings, and smartphones at the dinner table don't accept "right" answers. But the questions need to be asked.

No one tin do it solitary.

Of the many paths to success, none tin can exist walked alone. A support network is crucial both at and outside work—and members of that network must get their needs met as well. In pursuit of rich professional and personal lives, men and women volition surely continue to face tough decisions about where to concentrate their efforts. Our research suggests that earnestly trying to focus is what will run across them through.

A version of this article appeared in the March 2014 issue of Harvard Business Review.